Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
pep talk
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.