Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.