Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?