Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
welp
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.