Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
You Might Also Like
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
When they try to steal your moment.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.