Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
girls literally only want one thing..
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Ok but actually
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”