Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*