Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.