Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
You Might Also Like
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.