Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Room with a view.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.