The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
HR said no more nunchucks.
me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Need this in my life lol
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.