Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
awkward
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you