Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Sell your car
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
6: are snakes just neck?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.