Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I was bored.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.