Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?