[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You Might Also Like
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
buys donuts instead
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho