Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.