Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Love this one 😂🧟
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
😂😂😂
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off