Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow