Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
water it, i dare you
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.