Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math