Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
When libraries troll their patrons.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
LOL!
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.