Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Taking phone security to the next level.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
everyone’s a critic
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild