Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING