Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
I love art.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.