Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot