her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics