Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You Might Also Like
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that