Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.