Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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Every photo I’m tagged in
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.