Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me