Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.