Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)