Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
HR said no more nunchucks.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
become ungovernable
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.