her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes