her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
your honor my client chooses dare
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.