Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
#parenting