Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.