Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
You Might Also Like
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Anyone really
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
U talkin 2 me?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
when you are just born a rebel
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”