Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.