Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
new shirt idea
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal