Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times