HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!