I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow