‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My time has come.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…