Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.