Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Happy birthday to all the women
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”