@LaBelleMae: Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don't risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
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@Marlebean: Don't make a mountain out of a molehill Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens ... I think my cough medicine expired
@KimmyMonte: *phone rings* "Yeh hi who's this? Sure he's here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u." "Who is it?" "Drastic Times" *crowd goes wild*
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?