Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.