@TinaMav: I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother's room. I can't believe it... she's a superhero!

@Rollinintheseat: *Speed dating* Me: "Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?" Him: "No." Me: "Next."

@freedom2726: Like Mom always said, "Don't kick a gift horse in the teeth."

@greenteam15: My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

@venomjunkie2: My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.