@markleggett: A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.

@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.

@Sarcasticsapien: I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.

@ch000ch: i've grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@SaraMansford: I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.