@brian_bilston: Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled "The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass".
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@WheelTod: Me: How old is your daughter? Her: She'll be 4 next week. Me: *audible sigh (Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she... NOW.
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'
@tbhjuststop: actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months
@CountMackula: Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB