Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists