“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again