“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.